That's Not Your Friend Babe, That's a Parasocial Relationship

Last summer, when Chappell Roan called her fans out for extreme behavior towards her in public, the world didn’t quite get what she meant yet. The internet jumped on the bandwagon of calling her a "diva" and accusing her of being rude to the people who "made her famous." Chappell doubled down on her original claims, telling followers on TikTok, “It’s weird how people think that you know a person just ‘cause you see them online.” While the internet and fans took what she said to heart, I couldn’t help but think that she was right. So, where does extreme fan behavior cross the line—and how have parasocial relationships developed so deeply in this new age of social media?

A parasocial relationship is a term coined by psychologists R. Richard Wold and Donald Horton in 1956. It’s defined as a one-sided relationship with people you only know through watching them online or on TV. For context, the term originally came about when televisions hit the market in the 1950s. Wold and Horton described audiences as feeling like they had a relationship or connection with the people on their TV screens. Now, in an era where social media dominates the market, parasocial interactions are becoming more and more common.

Let’s be real—we’ve all felt at one time or another that if we knew our favorite creators or actors in real life, we’d be best friends with them (I hope I’m not the only one who feels this way). Like, I think I could be best friends with Emma Chamberlain because of our similar interests. But I don’t know her, and probably never will. That’s where it stops for most people. For others, it doesn’t just stop there.

Platforms like TikTok and YouTube are breeding grounds for parasocial behavior. The more casual forms of content—like vlogging and “get ready with me’s”—feel personal. It feels like you're on FaceTime with this person, as if they were your best friend giving you the latest tea about their life. This content is one click away for users; it’s accessible anywhere, at any time. The more you keep up with a creator’s life, the blurrier the lines get. You feel like you know this person—that they are your friend. But they’re not.

We live in a culture where mental health struggles and loneliness are an epidemic. The 2020 lockdown made it worse, and society is still recovering. People use social media as a crutch for that loneliness because it gives them a sense of belonging and purpose. Watching content from your favorite influencer or celebrity can feel like an escape from these feelings. It’s essentially putting a Band-Aid on a bullet hole.

Of course, it’s normal to look up to these figures for advice and tips. There’s nothing wrong with having a favorite celebrity. It becomes a problem when a person gets in too deep—deep enough that it starts to become concerning. There’s a stark difference between normal fan behavior and borderline stalking or harassment. Chappell Roan wasn’t mad because a fan came up and asked her for a picture at an event where she was working—she was mad because people were finding names of her family members and leaking personal information to the public. Extreme fans tend to have a “they owe me” mindset. They think that because they’re a fan of Chappell’s, she owes them her time and information. The truth is, when a celebrity isn’t on the clock, they don’t owe us anything.

A lot of the time, when influencers or celebrities get “cancelled,” it’s like a breakup for viewers. I remember the intense breakdowns I saw online from fans when YouTuber Cody Ko’s allegations came out (by the way Cody Ko, the oatmeal brand is corny—pack it up, bud). People felt like they knew him because they were watching his videos and incorporating his content into their daily routines—so much so that it became a running joke that people were watching his videos while they ate their lunches. As a former fan of his and as a woman, I was so upset. But at the end of the day, I remembered: I literally did not know him. I stopped watching his content and never looked back. Because it really can be that easy when you disconnect yourself from it. The reality is, he didn’t care about what he did anyway—hence the horrible “apology” he made—so why should I care about him?

Nonetheless, the issue seems to be getting worse. The majority of users on TikTok are young and impressionable, making them more susceptible to forming parasocial relationships. So knowing that, how do you stay away from falling down the rabbit hole? Limit your exposure to social media. Engage with friends and family in real life to keep yourself grounded. And practice your critical thinking skills—because on the other end of the screen is another human that you don’t know at all. At the end of the day, the most important relationship is the one you have with yourself and the people around you.